Leave It At The Door Please!
I can think of something I’d like to surrender at the doorway, I’d like to leave my worst enemy behind…I’d like to ditch that little voice that asks me ‘why’
Why don’t I step out of the shadows into the sunlight? Why don’t I polish up my dark thoughts and walk away with bright shiny thoughts? Why don’t I write carefully crafted and edited works of fiction with deep meaning instead of grabbing the first crayon I can put my hands on so that I can scrawl my simple, basic stories all over the walls?
That little word, that little voice makes me doubt myself, it makes me think less of my work which may look like verbal vomit to some but means a lot to me. That little word is a killer and I would love to leave it behind.
All I can do is try, and you know I think this time I can do it so here I come down the Serpentine Road…
Surrender
I surrender my fear. In this place and for this journey fear has no power over me. I won’t be a ghost here talking only in whispers. Here I will find my voice strong and clear. One step at a time I will move towards my dreams and leave the nightmares behind.
A Story of Surrender
I came up to the Enchanted Door, and noticed an open box next to it, made of mahogany wood, polished until it shone almost black. On it’s side, written in gold letters, was the word “Surrender”. So, I stood before the Enchanted Door, and asked of it “What do I need to put into the Surrender Box, that you will let me pass?”
A voice whispered, “Your armor.”
I laughed a little at that, because I didn’t have any armor on. The voice didn’t laugh back.
I asked, “What armor? I didn’t bring any armor.”
The door chuckled then, “Cuore di Luna, I am an Enchanted Door…do you think that I cannot see what is surrounding your heart right this moment?”
Now it was my turn to fall silent.
The armor, the walls around my heart, that’s what the door meant. I had become so accustomed to them, I no longer gave their weight any thought. But it was there, alright; once I closed my eyes, I could feel it again, heavy, closed in, preventing me from feeling all my emotions. Another one of those good ideas gone too far; in trying to keep out the pain, I had managed to keep out the sublime joy in life as well. A picture of it formed in my mind, and I could see it clearly, and how thick the prison walls had become. I turned that cube over in my mind, and began to panic. What had started out as a cage had turned into walls, solid walls, with no opening anywhere. How had I let this happen? Was I never going to be able to feel again, ever? Had I made the prison so secure, that even I couldn’t get back in?
I crumpled to the ground, defeated, and began to sob. Deep, aching cries rose up, and I heaved tears at the loss, the loss of my own heart, to a prison of my own making. The tears began collecting in the palm of my left hand, and I noticed they began to take a shape. It was hard to see it though, through my blinding tears, the flood that couldn’t be stopped, now that it had started. I just kept on crying, letting the tears collect into my hands.
Then a glint caught my eye, and I saw right then, that my tears had formed into a golden key, a simple skeleton key. Once I looked at it, it became heavy in my hand suddenly, with the weight of pure gold. I was able to take a full breath again, as I stared at the marvel that my own tears had made. The tears subsided, and I knew what to do at that very moment.
I took the key with my left hand, and took aim for my chest, right where my heart would be. Then, with my right hand supporting my left, I took a deep breath and plunged the key into my heart. I felt a sharp pang, and then a golden warmth roared through me. I fell backwards from the power of it. I heard a loud snap, and felt a painful release at the same time, almost like when a scab comes off your wounded skin. I lay there, squeezing my eyes shut, breathing heavily, breathing through the pain of it. After a few moments, the pain subsided, and I felt lighter, all over, and the golden warmth began to subside as well. I sat up, and then slowly rose to my feet. I felt a bit dizzy, but better, lighter, more free, freer than I have felt in ages. I looked to my right, and there, lying on the grass, were 6 small pieces of metal, rusted, the color of dried blood. When I touched the top piece, it burned my finger, but not from heat…it was bitter cold. I noticed, then, that there was a chink in that top piece, a small piece was missing from it. Hm, I thought, there was a opening after all.
I picked up the pieces of metal, using my travel cloak to protect myself from being frost-bitten, and deposited them into the box near the Enchanted Door. The door swung easily open by itself, and I walked under its eaves. As I did, the door whispered , “Now, was that so hard?” I walked out to the other side, chuckling at the odd sense of humor enchanted objects of this land have.
Responsibility…
….along with the expectations that drive it,
Out has gone responsibility,
Into the serpent’s box.
Shed for my cyber lifetime.
Back in my real life it has its place.
Nothing can dismiss its essential place.
To feed and love and….
everything else involving
the existence of people I love.
But here I am free from its bonds.
Rising on the thin air
of a veiled and beckoning freedom,
I glance whistfully behind me
knowing it will wait for me.
Shedding Expectations
I am appalled each day,
close to whimpering in the night,
at the gap ‘tween what people should be
and what they seem to care about and value.
A high school diploma should mean
a knowledge of third grade math –
ability to pen a cogent paragraph –
and find their home town on a map;
but the only thing they know
is that they have a ‘right’ to higher education
at my expense.
Application for a job and career
should mean an intention to actually work –
and be in your seat on time –
shunning personal calls and Internet diversions;
but the only thing offered
is demands for benefits and auto-raises
not linked to performance.
A statement of organized religious affiliation
should mean you fervently wish
to be measured ‘gainst those standards,
while acting as model/witness to divinity;
but the only thing observed
is a desire to control and meddle in my life,
with no accountability at all.
Sigh! – I could go on …
but I will accept that the problem
is only my expectations –
surly at fault –
and I will let them slough away
and come to expect nothing,
nothing at all.
Through the door…
I surrender
I am ready
I to am packed and ready to go
my travel cloak is black with a green dragon on the back
she is my protector and my guide.
she goes wherever I go but is very seldom seen.
I asked her to show herself for all to see but when I took a picture of my cloak it was just black no dragon could be seen.
she said she is for my eyes only.
I am leaving in the surender box
Past hurts, lost love, and shadows from the past .
Ready to Rumble….
I’m all packed, totally sobered up from our night of partying and performances, and I have donned my new traveling cloak with this image of the Rainbow Serpent embroidered on the back. I am leaving in my surrender box toxic relationships and negative attitudes. I’m ready to rumble down the Serpentine Road….
Image: Lori Gloyd (c) May 13, 2006
SSS…Surrender
SSS…Surrender snake/skin/like –
The illusion, delusion,
uber care and consequence of old, –
Oxford English dictionary:
Surrender: (I do) Give up the old,
the useless, the illusion of try and fail, the
over responsible, the ridiculous.
(I do not) hand over, give in to another
person/person’s power or control,
especially (not) on demand or under
compulsion. Done.
No vague shadows of the way,
the old, the lie, the compulsion
of the old order/structure
of time. The leaves of those
days are long dry, and
nourish the earth in gratitude for
the crisp green bloom of
renewal. I give gladly
and without unusual suffering,
these things to the earth,
to nourish the wisdom of
loam.
copyright Monika Roleff 2006.
Surrender and Follow the Serpentine Road
Make a surrender box and leave a serpents skin – something you need to surrender – at the door to the Serpentine Road.
Serpentine Road 